Do the successful people “do what they love, or love what they do?” The former is external to who you are; the other is internal, meaning it’s a choice.

There is a parallel axiom in Zen philosophy: “Before Enlightenment chop wood carry water, after Enlightenment, chop wood carry water.” It’s a matter of finding satisfaction and taking strength from all that you do.

Because of the nature of family businesses, an attitude of “I don’t carry water” can be more prevalent than in a non-family business. It resonates with a perspective of “you give first.” We see it in world politics. Regrettable but true, as individually we have very little control over world events. But we do have control over our own thoughts and actions.

This attitude informs our reactions from time to time in all of our lives. You may be in a position in your family that you don’t like; and you may feel remorse about not having work you like. Oddly enough, the way out is to like the work you are doing. Quoting Seth Godin: “perhaps the more effective mantra for the entrepreneur, the linchpin and maker of change might be, “love what you do. If we can fall in love with serving people, creating value, solving problems, building valuable connections and doing work that matters, it makes it far more likely we’re going to do important work.” http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2014/08/turning-passion-on-its-head.html

Can you equate “loving what you do” with being happy? From my own experience, yes. You can choose to be happy in a less-than-ideal situation. But don’t believe me. Try it. Try it for 2 seconds, then 2 minutes, and then 2 hours. I guarantee, if you can do this for 2 seconds you can chose to be happy at any time in any situation, focusing on the value you provide others, the connections you have, and the people you serve.

Seth Godin recently asked the question “Is better possible?”. He assumed the answer was “yes” for everyone and then realized some people settled with “no.” (http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2014/07/is-better-possible.html).

Can there be “better” in a family from generation to generation? I think yes. Of course this begs the question as to what “better” is. I’m not, however, going to attempt to define “better” here, but rely upon the understanding that we all know it when we see it.

When speaking of a family business I would venture to say that “better” requires preparing your children to be better; and you would think there would be universal acceptance for this.

Like Godin, I too am surprised when I find situations where the opposite occurs, not so much in word but more in deed. My father once told me he felt his parents did not want him to be better than they were. The idea of that still befuddles me. Godin sees fear as the driving force here; and I do have some rudimentary understanding of what my immigrant grandparents may have been feeling.

The wonderful thing about the family enterprise is the potential for a creating a family legacy. The big questions I believe are:

• How do I create better human beings?
• What are the aspirations and strengths of others in my family that I can nurture and support?
• How does my family business value others?
• What does it mean to be multi-generational?

These questions are challenging to be sure, but they are of paramount importance. The business world is not an island. The family enterprise that meets these challenges, that answers “yes, better is possible” can become a powerful force for “better” within its own walls and far beyond.

While I have a great deal of respect for attorneys and financial advisors who are working with family businesses, one area where I see them consistently stop short in their work is in viewing the will and estate plan as instruments for resolving discord within the family.

Wills and estate plans provide the structure for succession. But they do not address family issues such as long-term sibling rivalries. Rather, they may even become the flash points for buried unrest.

Trust and communication however, provide a foundation for mutigenerational success, and these come from another set of skills.

A number of exit styles are found in family business leaders. Here are three that people may struggle with:

The Monarch

By definition the Monarch is the head of a family business that stays until forced out. Monarchs cannot stand the thought of handing control over the business they created to someone else, and usually will take the leadership position with them to the grave. Because of an inherent autocratic leadership style, once a Monarch dies, chaos generally follows. A successor is never properly trained because Monarchs feel that no one can be as good as they are.

The Ambassador

This style of leader helps the next generation learn the business first-hand and then eventually manage it. The ambassador then holds onto or assumes diplomatic or representational duties on behalf of the corporation, becoming a spokesman for the business and the new leadership after retiring from the top management position.

The Czar is a leader who helps the next generation through the whole transition process, and will do whatever it takes to get them prepared for the job. After Transition Czars retire they become coaches for the next generation. The Czar knows how to teach the leadership of the family and that of the business to maintain balance and harmony between them.

Who are you struggling with within? The Monarch, the Ambassador the Czar? Who are you?

Seth Godin recently wrote a post entitled, “Most Likely to Succeed,” and then stated that “what we are most likely to do is up to us, or otherwise most likely be invisible.” Is your family business most likely to:

• Create increasing wealth with each generation
• Evolve as the market place demands
• Have a culture of innovation that allows new family business enterprises past the original business model
• Support children in their unique skills and career desires whether they go into the family business or not.
• Pass on leadership based on skills and business needs, rather than age or gender
• Avoid the use of experts and advisory boards
• Be a center of influence
• Be recognized for the positive qualities attributed to family businesses
• Create a network of intergenerational family members supporting each other while building a legacy across multiple business enterprises
• Become invisible after 3 generations

Trying to run your business and at the same time handle the structures and systems to make it grow? When you are just beginning you may not have the resources to hire expertise, but when you reach a certain size you can’t afford to do the work of your business effectively and get continued profitable growth. There’s a tipping point where what got you here will no longer get you there. You run out of energy, bandwidth and know-how. The smart money knows they cannot do it alone and seeks complementary outside skills before the crisis develops.

I often hear of an established firm that wants to grow without utilizing outside expertise. If that is the advice you are getting no wonder you are wary of outside consultants.

Earlier this month I led a panel discussion for the NYC Family Business /Family Firm Institute Study Group. The focus of the panel was on the experiences of women and daughters in family businesses.

The three women panelists are currently working in their families’ businesses. One is “first generation” (the founding generation) and two are daughters of the founders (“second generation”). Prior to the panel discussion all participants were sent an article that summarized research on women and daughters in family businesses. It contained significant data identifying challenges these women face.  For example, lack of visibility–their opinions are not asked for, when offered they are not heard, they are excluded from meetings. The article describes the incidence of women being pushed into stereotypical gender roles such as secretarial, administrative and other types of support staff rather than leadership positions, and the prevalence of “oldest-son syndrome” as a basis for succession.

However in equal measure the article included case studies of women having positive career experiences. These women were given a great deal of responsibility and respect.

All the panelist expressed having enjoyed positive aspects of working within their families’ businesses. In the discussion that followed they spoke about the background and underlying circumstances that were instrumental in bringing this about. They spoke about the support of both male and female role models—of mothers who were competent on their own and of fathers who confidently sought out and accepted input from their wives and their children with regard to running the business.

One panelist spoke of her experience growing up and participating in the family business. She recalled going on a buying trip with her dad when she was 12 years old, and his seeking her opinion on wholesale purchases. She added that this experience and training began the development of her leadership role.

When asked how they handle the perception that they have their jobs because they are “daddy’s little girl,” one of the panelists responded that she expects this stereotypical view may always be there, but what is most important is how she thinks of herself and the energy that she gives off.

Asked about how they see their own roles in the family business—as having a job, as growing the business or as experiencing a co-evolutionary process wherein they personally and the business are evolving together (three perspectives identified by the author of the article), the panelists resoundingly stated the importance of ongoing, co-evolutionary growth as individuals and leaders.

A word that is new to me was brought up in the course of the discussion—”heteronormativity.” This term refers to “the belief that people fall into distinct and complementary genders (man and woman) with natural roles in life.” ¹ It was suggested that there is less and less of heteronormativity in our society. There was a consensus, however, that women are better than men at multi-tasking. This is due, perhaps, to men traditionally having needed to focus on hunter/gatherer roles while women traditionally managed many roles simultaneously.

The panelists were asked if they thought that businesses will benefit from incorporating the natural abilities of women in leadership roles. Would businesses that have women in leadership roles enjoy a competitive advantage because of the particular strengths women bring to the table, notably flexibility and capacity for understanding and handling complex relationships.

The consensus of opinion among the panelists was “yes.” One participant commented that with leadership by women like these panelists, the future looks good.

_______________

¹ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heteronormativity

While there are exceptions to the frequent-enough-to-be-prevailing practice of overlooking daughters in family businesses, women have traditionally had to overcome significant obstacles to achieve leadership positions . It’s not uncommon for an older and even more qualified daughter to be passed over for a younger male sibling. In some cultures daughters do not participate in the family’s transfer of wealth across generations, and it’s often expected that the daughter to be taken care of by her husband.

On the plus side, daughters are often seen as more cooperative in their relationship with their father than sons who can have more competitive dispositions. And where there are good relationships between fathers and daughters in a family business, the mother may experience a loss of her daughter to the husband, as the father’s and daughter’s conversations about business get carried into the home.

It’s been voiced that women do not have the dexterity to manage the complexities of business. We can see the myth in this, however, as we recognize that women are frequently shouldering and balancing responsibilities for childcare and domestic chores while providing emotional and financial support single-handedly. Anne Francis wrote in her seminal work, The Daughter Also Rises, “women often find a direct correlation between domestic life and the situations they face in business – if you can figure out whether the four year old or the six year old gets the last piece of candy, you can negotiate any contract in the world.”

I am of the persuasion that we will all benefit by stepping back from stereotypes and looking at the strengths, which women can bring to relationships in business – as all business is dependent on relationships.